It’s that time of year when columnists suggest what might be in store for the next 12 months. However, things are so unpredictable right now that even Nostradamus would have trouble making a reasonably decent forecast. Of course, Thailand is not immune to the uncertainty either, although the occasional “misappropriation of funds” or, not to rule out the correct technical term, “cooking books”, would not be ruled out.
Let’s just hope things are a little nicer than the past few years which have been a nightmare to be honest. At least the Chinese year of the tiger is considered to be one of the most promising in the Chinese cycle. The tiger is said to represent strength and bravery and to be able to drive out all evils. Well, good luck with that. In fact, the final year of the tiger, 2010, was a pretty seedy time in Thailand so don’t get your hopes up too high.
Romanian-French playwright Eugene Ionesco may have been right when he said, “You can only predict things after they happen,” but that never put off this column. So here are PostScript’s predictions for 2022, taken from the usual completely unreliable sources, gossips, gossips, gossips, and gossips.
January: Railway managers are advised to stop a planned advertising campaign aimed at strengthening the image of the state railway and proclaiming “This is the age of the train”. The reason for the warning was the fear that, given the condition of the rolling stock, it would be too tempting for angry passengers to react according to the motto “our was 105”.
February: After the success of their performance as a backing group on last year’s surprise hit “Nakhon Nowhere Style”, the Klong Toey Stray Dogs Choir released their own song “Barking For Democracy”. However, it is banned after the censors find the text “too sensitive”. They also found that some of the vocals were a little “crampy”.
March: Shallow Waters, a Thai seafaring fantasy, receives commendation at the Academy Awards. A lonely Thai submarine fearlessly takes on an invading armada of shrimp and snooty crabs in the Gulf of Thailand. Fascinating cameo role of an aircraft carrier without an airplane.
April: A major development in the proposed casino legalization. In a grand ceremony, the five subcommittees announce that after 90 days of diligent brooding, probing, brooding, pondering, pondering, and pondering, they will not make a decision. Five more sub-committees are set up to refrain from taking any further decisions.
Can: In an emotional letter to the Thai authorities, Edith Clampton (wife) complains about a “very smelly fruit” that she unfortunately found on the streets of Bangkok. She explains that even the slightest hint of what she calls the “big green prickly thing” faints her and puts her in a state of “extreme inelegance.” She adds that both her maid (Khun Hazel) and the driver (Khun Parker) were seriously affected by the “putrid smell” and that Parker actually puked on the entire front seat of her limousine, causing “a nasty mess”.
June: Railway authorities have announced that Bangkok’s Hua Lamphong train station, which was supposed to close for good last December, will now be in operation forever. A harassed train official says he was so sick of people complaining about the train station closing that it’s easier to leave it open.
July: After desperate efforts to attract visitors, tourism authorities complain that their campaign has been far too successful and they are being inundated with vacationers. They admit that they did not know that their new catchphrase, “Amazingly Amazing” was going to prove so effective. To contain the tide, they plan to come out with a modified slogan: “Well, actually, it’s not that amazing”.
August: The sound of “Boing!” which appears in almost every Thai television soap to draw attention to allegedly amusing moments, is voted the most irritating special effect in the world by an international jury. Silly whistling and various squeezing noises, which also accumulate in these shows, are joint runners-up.
September: On the occasion of the annual Anti-Corruption Day, it is announced that all villains have vowed not to be involved in any crooks for at least 24 hours. It won’t do dubious deals or siphon off funds, not even oil the wheels. The public greeted the news with a big yawn.
October: Thailand is launching a new rail service called Pattaya Thunderbolt, inspired by the classic British film. The Titfield Thunderbolt. With an old steam locomotive, the train should perhaps even become a tourist attraction itself. Officials admit it might be a little slow, but in the end it will get there, which is not always the case with Thai trains.
November: Concern has risen in the northeast after reports of the return of the ghost responsible for the terrible “Shrinking Will” outbreak of 1997, causing great concern among the people of Isan. However, an intrepid team of ghost hunters from Nakhon Nowhere are quickly dispatched and reports of shrinking appendages thankfully stop.
December: A warning from the Met Office of a possible prolonged cold spell leads to a rush to buy winter wool jackets, fur coats, balaclavas, snow boots and thermal underwear. However, the next public encounter with something cold is likely to be the air conditioning at the local mall.
Wish all readers a happy new year. Let’s hope this year is a little more fun than 2021.
Contact PostScript by email at oldcrutch@hotmail.com
Roger Crutchley
Columnist for the Bangkok Post
Long-time popular columnist for the Bangkok Post. In 1994 he won the Ayumongkol Literature Prize. He was a sports editor for the Bangkok Post for many years.
Email: oldcrutch@gmail.com